I have always approached any discussion of “How to Adopt” by first dealing with the matter of “When to Adopt”. As an adoptive parent, I can empathize with the feelings of frustration individuals encounter in their pursuit to have a child to love and nurture. As one is enveloped with apparent bouts with fertility, be they real or illusory, temporary or permanent, the idea of adoption, if a thought at all, is rarely deemed first choice. However, the path of adoption is not the second best way to have a child, in reality it is an alternate way to bring children into one’s life.

When I first meet couples in consultation, I recognize that, individually, they may be coming from different places in their attitude towards adoption. If there is a disparity of feelings between spouses, I generally find that the wife is usually more aggressive or accepting than the husband. But, regardless of the view or feelings, other than the normal anxiety, both husband and wife should be mentally comfortable before actively starting on the path to adoption.

But when you are ready, with comfort in place, you must try to rid your minds of the preceding months or years filled with feelings of frustration, anxiety, jealousy and guilt, all of which may have become a part of your being. One should come to recognize and accept that although having a child biologically may not be possible, having a child (by adoption) is not only possible, it is almost guaranteed.

However, in pursuing adoption, one must proceed on course, avoiding some of the potential pitfalls which may lie before you. Too many individuals proceed in their quest for adoption with hardened feelings of desperation -- seeking the “quick fix” or instant gratification. To satisfy their hunger to parent a child, they may throw caution to the wind. Some individuals may go astray merely by being uninformed as to the legal process of adopting a child and may be blinded by the many myths such as children are not available or that to adopt must be ridiculously expensive. These are not the facts. The fact is that, following a straight path, you will succeed!

Although there are three basic paths to adoption, each should be pursued with caution and in compliance with the laws which have been put in place to protect all parties to the adoption triad. One may pursue (1) Domestic Independent (private placement) Adoption; (2) Agency Adoption; or (3) International Adoption.

But where does one start? To the absolute beginner: where the concept of adoption first flashes through the mind, I strongly suggest you start the schooling process. Become informed; become involved with an adoption support group. In the New York tri-state area, the Adoptive Parents Committee, Inc. is not only one of the largest support groups in the country, it is certainly the largest in this area. Not only can support groups provide immeasurable information, but they also bring you in contact with so many other individuals in a similar position to yourself. The American Infertility Association and Resolve may also provide information on adoption.

One final note to those in the beginning stages or just beyond, is the awareness that before one can even take custody of a child for adoption, one must be screened and approved by the appropriate authoritative body.

With private (independent) adoption, the requirements may differ from state to state. In New York, one must file a petition with the court to be certified, and the process includes obtaining a home study by a certified social worker, who is a disinterested person, and has no personal involvement with those being interviewed. In addition, the records of Child Abuse Registry will be searched to determine if there is an issue of prior child abuse and finally there will be a criminal record check. It should be noted that only severe criminal history may prevent one from being approved.

If one were pursuing international adoption, similar procedures would be followed through the immigration authorities, joined by the requirements of the intermediary agency and the particular requirements of the country of interest. With domestic agency adoption, the aforesaid procedures would fall under the direction of the agency one is dealing with.

In summary and recommendation, the first three steps toward adoption are: (1) Let your mind and heart determine your level of comfort; (2) Become informed; and (3) Obtain your initial approval from the appropriate authority and know that there are many good people out there who want to help you. Good luck!

P.S. - A quote by one Ralph Marston may capsulate one’s future. That is, “Ultimately, the things which most affect the quality of your life are your decisions. The cards you’re dealt do not matter nearly so much as how you decide to play them.”